Co-Parenting with a High-Conflict Ex: Strategies Backed by Research

Co-parenting arrangements can be complicated and dynamic. Even if you and your ex were able to prepare an agreeable arrangement today, there’s no guarantee that that arrangement will work for both parties over the long term. If friction points begin to arise, it can result in conflict between parents, which can be stressful for dependents.    In other cases, it’s possible that a mutually agreeable parenting agreement was never met, in which case your family may be managing a consent order or court-approved arrangement that ensures the safety and wellbeing of dependents. Even with a consent order, however, it’s still possible for children to be negatively affected by the absence or even the harmful influence of one parent.    In all cases, high-conflict co-parenting arrangements can be taxing on all members of the family, so the question becomes how can we protect children from these adverse effects? If you’re a parent that’s currently coping with a difficult ex, let our team at Oxford Partners Lawyers provide some direction today that aligns with Australian Family Law as well as family psychological research. 

What is high-conflict co-parenting?

High-conflict co-parenting refers to any co-parenting agreement where there persists a highly combative relationship between the two separated parties. Signs that a co-parenting agreement may be high-conflict include:

• Poor communication
• Constant power struggles
• Controlling behaviours
• Parental alienation
• Badmouthing the other parent to children
• Inflexibility and unwillingness to compromise

The impact of high-conflict co-parenting on children

According to the Raising Children Network and other similar family advocacy groups, the impacts of high-conflict co-parenting on children can include:

• Mental health issues
• Academic difficulties
• Social issues
• Impacts to self-esteem and confidence
• Behavioural issues

Research from family advocacy groups across Australia suggests that children with emotional instability at home are more likely to act out at school or in public. As a result, failure to address high-conflict co-parenting situations within the family home can pave the way for issues with your children’s school, extracurricular activities, and even across extended family relationships.

Top healthy co-parenting strategies for minimising conflict

It’s always best to address high-conflict co-parenting as proactively as possible. For this reason, family psychology researchers recommend the following co-parenting models and strategies for addressing conflict at its source and working towards managing and reducing conflict over the long term.

Adopt a parallel parenting model

One of the best tips for co-parenting is to maintain communication and flexibility as a means of respect between parents and their respective households. To keep lines of communication open and lines between households well-defined when coping with a difficult ex, researchers typically advocate for the implementation of a parallel parenting model.   Under the parallel parenting model, both parents operate entirely independently during their time with the children under their custody arrangement. Parenting agreements are followed strictly, with little to no casual changes out of respect for the autonomy of each parent.    With no surprises, strong set schedules, and only logistical communication, parallel parenting models help reduce conflict by eliminating common conflict sources, which include ad-hoc requests, disrespect or disregard for each other’s time, and tension through proximity. In other words, parallel parenting is a more reserved alternative to traditional communication-heavy co-parenting.

Secure support from parenting coordinators

In cases where both parents may not be organised enough to maintain a parallel parenting model, conflicts may still arise through day-to-day disputes. In these instances, it may be beneficial for parents to collaborate with court-appointed parenting coordinators.   Parenting coordinators are entirely neutral, highly specialised third parties, often with extensive experience in either family conflict mediation and Australian Family Law. For this reason, certified parenting coordinators are also often fully qualified counsellors and even Family Lawyers.   Unlike once-off family mediation sessions, however, parenting coordinators work with families on a longer term basis, with coordinators often helping parents establish healthy co-parenting arrangements over the span of 12-24 months.

Practice ‘grey rocking’ and BIFF communication

In cases where one parent is coping with a difficult ex, one-sided communication tactics can be implemented to better keep the peace and not ‘take the bait’. Two methods in particular are recognised by family psychologists, these being:

Grey rocking

The grey rock technique involves only replying to necessary logistical messages and pointedly disregarding or ignoring purposefully combative or emotional communications. By consistently shutting down combative language, the peaceful parent sets a precedent of zero tolerance with the combative parent.

The BIFF method

‘BIFF’ is an acronym for an unemotional communication style centred solely around logistics and organisation between co-parents. Under the ‘BIFF’ method, parents must keep their communication:

• Brief

• Informative

• Friendly

• Firm

Use court-approved co-parenting communication tools

Co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard can be useful in tracking all messages and schedules to better maintain accountability under parenting agreements. With full visibility on all messages and agreed upon schedules, these specific co-parenting tools can help to eliminate conflicts resulting from unclear messaging or confusion and miscommunication relating to logistics.

Commit to family counselling and therapy

As high-conflict arrangements can impact the emotional health and wellbeing of dependents, parents with children that are struggling to cope may seek to undergo family counselling and therapy to better invest in their child’s support network across both households.   Researchers advocate for Emotion-Focused Family Therapy (EFFT) as a method for ensuring children feel supported under co-parenting arrangements. The participation of both parents in these counselling sessions can reinforce to children that their parents are available to them in times of crisis.

Prioritise peace and stability in your own home

If all of the above strategies have been implemented and the combative parent is still inflexible or not open to establishing a more harmonious co-parenting arrangement, then the peaceful parent may then opt to simply prioritise peace in their own household instead and continue to monitor the situation with the combative parent from a safe distance.   If the peaceful parent has reason to believe the combative parent is exhibiting abusive behaviours not only towards themselves but also towards children, then there may be grounds to revisit the custody arrangement or even to file for an intervention order to safeguard the best interests of their children.

When should you seek professional intervention?

In cases where the combative or difficult parent is failing to operate in good faith, the peaceful parent can secure professional assistance at their discretion. Professional assistance can include support from family psychologists, Family Lawyers, and parenting coordinators.   In cases of abusive behaviours like coercive control, the peaceful parent may seek to alert local authorities, and commence the process of application for an intervention order through the Court.   Similarly, in cases where false allegations may be made against the peaceful parent, our Family Lawyers advise that you stay calm and collected, and promptly secure support from dedicated Family Law specialists to prepare your defence and supporting documentation required in combating the claims.

Safeguard your family with an appropriate parenting agreement developed with support from Oxford Partners Lawyers

Co-parenting with a high-conflict ex can be difficult, but the good news is that there are legal and welfare support systems in place specifically designed to support peaceful parents. If you’re currently navigating a turbulent co-parenting arrangement with a difficult ex, then don’t hesitate to get in touch to speak directly with a member of our Legal Team here at Oxford Partners Lawyers.